Adventure to Kazakhstan.

I like adventure. taking a trip somewhere into the unknown and not knowing all of the details can either be terrifying [I have been there!] or it can be electrifying. exciting. beautiful.

if you know me, you know that I went to Thailand this summer with a group! but guess what? I am hopefully going to take another trip this summer [so random!] to a new and beautiful place. somewhere I have never been! to the beautiful place of Kazakhstan to help teach English with a friend who has already been over there for a little while! I am so excited. the funny thing is that I am completely open and ok with staying home for the summer and working. or doing whatever else I am supposed to do. but what makes me so excited beyond anything else is that is is ordained by God for me to go and it will all work out. it will because everything has [always] worked out before for every other single trip I have gone on.

so I am excited. this is a time of faith and preparation in my heart. a favorite quote of mine is one from Corrie Ten Boom: "Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the [perfect] preparation for a future [only] He can see."

how amazing is that. and so encouraging to rest in. everything is for a purpose and for a reason.

Crushed in spirit

i am a broken vessel. Lord can you mend my heart? He is taking things precious from me to in turn draw me closer to him. my best friend katie is moving to Florida tomorrow and I am going to miss her so [incredibly] much.

and just other random happenings have brought brokenness..and questions have risen in my heart.. questions that satan wants to taint and make me believe his lies. makes me want to see an issue as gray and not as black and white. but my heart shall not be distorted. only He can strengthen and sustain me..

psalm 34:18:

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

save mine heart. be near to me.

He's faithful to the end
He's faithful to my heart
He's faithful to the end
He will come and marry me
-cory asbury.

Refinement.

Ouch. my, refinement hurts. snipping off the top of a weed is one thing but tearing up the root is another. i asked jesus today to shake me up and to do something new..and He did. He revealed things to me that I thought were healed..yes, they were scabbed over but He wanted to peel it painfully off so it could heal the right way.

refinement is a process that allows the dross to be removed so the perfect gold can shine.

oh to grace, how great a debtor,
daily i'm constrained to thee.
and let thy goodness like a fetter
bind my [wandering] heart to thee.

jesus, i just want to be like [you]

It's freeing!

Proverbs 29: 25 -

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."

Fear of man seems to grip me a lot. Do I look too young in this, do I look weird? Man, I'm thin..is that ok? People comment a lot on how I look but not much on who I am..why? Thoughts are dumb and just a tool satan uses to speak lies. Because all of the above thoughts are just lies. Many times how I look or how I try to please people is just a result of trying to win their approval and not living to please God and to ultimately fear Him alone.

I normally have long hair or rather aim to have long, beautiful hair that is flawless. But mine is normally wavy, mid-length and ehh. But I really do enjoy ultimately having short hair. It is bouncy, fun and it just works for me. [but I always appear to look even more younger than I already am..so I don't wear it short that much. fear of man. what the heck?!]

So I got it cut short. and I like it. a lot. I find my personality is in it instead of 'trying' to grow it long when I know it will never be like I want it. so it is freeing not trying to please others..even though I am totally bound for the 'are you still in high school' or 'you look like my 13 year old sister' comments. oh well. I am amazingly content with who I am. so I am ok.

Another refreshing thing that I read today was in Psalm 68. [I haven't wanted to go overseas like full time because I was concerned about being lonely, coming home early, burning out, etc...] WELL. The Bible is great and I found a promise to cling to today.

Psalm 68:6 -
God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

He SETS [intricately places] the LONELY [umm me?] in families [a group of people]. Is that not delectable, such a feast to dine on. wow. I was happy to read it because it spoke so directly to me. Hey, I might go overseas with muh mann, but if not. there will be a family for God to place me in.. maybe they have a single son? bahahaha oh wait, that is beside the point! But Jesus has plans. amazing plans in store so it was just comforting to read.

It has been a good week and today has been a retreat of rest! I am working tomorrow and the weekend so I gave myself off.. I haven't done much but watch a movie and refocus my gaze on Jesus..but hey. those are the best kind of days.

The book of Joel!

I have always had a thing about studying the Bible.. I don't want to 'study' it since I have heard that that people can then tend view it as a textbook or a study material instead of God's ultimate and amazing Word.. I don't know. just something I have wrestled with.

But today I wanted to dive deeper into His Word and to uncover His character and WHO He is. Well today I found a facet of character in Joel! I want to study the books that no one preaches on. When was the last time your pastor preached on Obadiah? :) hahah So Joel it is.

And my heart was blown away as I took out my Bible and this 'study the Bible' book. Basically it speaks of God sending locusts to destroy the peoples' crops in order to bring them to true repentance, which is not just rending your garment but rending your heart before God {v. 2:13}. true repentance is also mentioned in 2 Corinth. 7:8-11. so good! So He shall send the locusts, but then He will bless the people so much if they return to Him. He is using utter calamity to gather His children. oh He is jealous for them and will take PITY on them { 2:18}.

So what? Well. I discovered that God used this horrible thing to bring His children unto Him. He didn't punish them just for the heck of it. No, oh He is so purposeful. He uses things that I see as utter bad things to bring His people to Himself. For instance, a week and a half ago, He sent a historical flood to wipe out peoples' homes and basements. But last week I gave out to those very people items and clothes to aide them. and you wouldn't believe how many people wanted a Bible. They realized that God is an all-powerful God who could have destroyed them. He totally could've. But He didn't. why? Because He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in [love] {2: 18b} He is a God of mercy who used a horrible thing to display His glory.

He used this 'locust' to get their attention, and in return many people are awakened to who He is.. and that He IS bringing restoration very quickly into them {2:25} Highways and roads are quickly being repaired, homes are being cleaned.

Wow. isn't that great?? He uses the 'locusts' in my life [which aren't huge by any means] to get my attention and to show me Who is REALLY in control. He did that this week by giving me a job offer that is perfect! It is only a few days a week but it is local and it shall hopefully give me money :) I got pink-eye from volunteering but God used that to get me to rest and just chill. I have enjoyed just hanging out this weekend and am pumped to go back out and work. then I shall not be contagious haha.

He is good. His love never fails. read Joel. you will be so happy you did. ask God to give you His eyes and to reveal revelations to your heart. he sure did to me.

Enjoying a time of growth!

Woo- hoo, so like two weeks ago I went to my Bible college and took out a ton of books just on womanhood and contentment and good stuff!! I already read the one book, Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow! And it was amazing! It was ALL about contentment and why we are not content.. and the things that rob us of it. Total write from Philippians where Paul talks about being content in ALL situations. and boy. that has been a toughie for me! But I was so blessed and enriched by it.

Next. I am reading Lady in Waiting. yeah. cheeeesy title! but don't judge a book by its title and I am so glad I didn't!! It goes through 10 different characteristics of women, and how they can be utilizing whatever season they are in to the fullest. It is mainly for singles just letting go of control [cough cough me] so I have been SO convicted in each chapter. I read it, laugh and say yep that is me, repent and keep reading. :) It is amazing the Truth that is found in it and how it leads all back to Scripture. So far I have read about a lady of Reckless Abandonment [my favorite!!], a lady of diligence [so much fruit in it!], and a lady of faith [I loved this one!]. so there are 7 more but these three have really impacted me so far.

A neat story in the first chapter talked of when in the days of Jesus, about when a lady become available for marriage, her family would purchase an alabaster box and fill it with precious ointment. when the eligible suitor came by to ask her hand in marriage, she would break her box at his feet as a symbol of honor. Now, similarly, when Jesus was at the house of Simon, a woman came in, broke the alabaster box and anointed Jesus' head with precious perfume. She found Him worthy of breaking her box for. She found him to be her Heavenly Bridegroom. while others thought it was dumb, Jesus was blessed and said,

"You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” Luke 7: 45-47. ( Lady in Waiting, p. 3)

Wow. Isn't that beautiful?! the application was what dreams, desires and hopes are in my own alabaster box that I need to break at Jesus' feet? He is worthy of all the honor.

I am really enjoying just reading and growing and waiting for what lies in store for my future. He's got it all covered. I just need to keep releasing control.

Closed doors, open mind.

This is something I wrote that is a picture of my mind right now.

Send me to the places, Lord,
where the people live in search of more
Yes, God. send me out.

Send me to the place, Oh God,
where the people shudder at the thought
That's me! send me out.

Because. I am here. Because.
I need to go. Because.
I'm yours.

Send me to the hardest place,
where the people shall become changed
For good. send me out.

Send me as your treasured tool,
for that is how I'll be used
For you. Your hands and feet.



A door was closed to a job that I could get in order to pay off some student loans and then to help get me somewhere overseas to do something. Be it as a tentmaker or as a supported missionary, I am open. Even to the location, I am open, though China is in my future.

But a door was closed and MY plans came to a screeching halt. They were MY way of getting overseas.. but don't you know. that God is always up to something bigger and greater. So I read Psalms 4 today and it was a total focuser for me, which reminded me of who is forever in control.

A verse that everyone knows is "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path..." But notice it: lamp unto my feet.. not a lamp to my eyes so I can see everything.. but a light for my feet so I can walk by faith. I don't always like to walk by faith because who doesn't like to be in control? But Jesus is forever reminding me to let go of control over and over again.. in order so that HE can lead me into HIS amazing plans.

it's all about Him.